Happy New Year!
Here’s to a creatively charged 2010 full of inspiration and new opportunities for learning and growth in all areas of life!
Happy New Year!
Anniversary Blogging: 2nd Edition
Dear Kim,
Two years ago today we stood together, held hands, looked into each other’s eyes and promised to love each other forever. And I’ve only grown more in love with you each and every day since!
You are my best friend, my favorite, my everything! I am a better person because of you and my life is more full of life because of the love you’ve shared with me. Thank you!
I think often of our trip down to Falling Water that spring when I first knew that you were the woman I was made for, of the night I got back from Photoshop World in Boston and couldn’t wait any longer to give you my grandmother’s ring, of the elation I felt – and still feel – when we became partners on this amazing journey together.
Every big event, every small moment, everything has been made more wonderful, every challenge, struggle, has been less difficult to bear because of our love. Thank you for your sweetness, your strength, your laughter, your passion, your support, your care, your acceptance, your love – above all!
As we walk down the path of our tomorrows, we will walk side by side, hand in hand, heart to heart!
I Love You So Much, Sweetheart!
June 23, 2005
A couple of weeks ago I was watching Primetime Live on ABC and Diane Sawyer was interviewing Brad Pitt. Though there were certainly some questions about his relationships over the past year, there was something he did that was very refreshing. He said that the only way he’d give an interview would be if the majority of the time was spent talking about an issue that was very dear to him: poverty. During the course of the interview and segments from his trip to Ethiopia, I was constantly reminded of the poverty that I saw in the flesh during my world travels. I was also reminded of something I saw in passing one evening while my mom was watching one of the entertainment news shows on TV: ONE.
The ONE Campaign is working to raise awareness of Americans and those all over the world about the possibility that there is to make a real difference in the fight to end poverty through a series of agreements to forgive third-world debt, reform trade, and increase the level of foreign aid by an additional 1% of the US budget.
All of a sudden, I felt a great deal of compassion and energy to support such an important problem facing our world. And a sense of passion, even a little, is something that my life has lacked over the past year. And it feels good to have some of that back.
…
On a totally separate note, I have come to a decision in my life, one I have not made lightly. For the past 6 years – maybe even twice that, on some level – I have been struggling with who I am as a spiritual and religious person. I have been a part of the United Methodist Church for my entire life, in part, because I was born into the family of a UM pastor. I’m not implying that that was a bad thing, or that I didn’t find a sense of direction and belonging there – because I did – but as I’ve matured as a person and have gained a clearer picture of who I am and what I believe I’ve come to see more and more that the UMC is no longer the place for me. So, as of the end of July, I’m done.
I’ve spent a great deal of time studying the religions of the world and praying about how I see God and have come to realize that my most basic idea of God is so much wider than the box that Christianity creates. I’ve spent years justifying my beliefs and twisting definitions so that I could feel like I still fit. But that has done nothing but leave me feeling exhausted and like I haven’t been true to myself. It hasn’t been healthy. And I don’t want to do that anymore. I need to be me and not the person I have – for lack of a better word – pretended to be for the past quarter, or more, of my life.
I’m not sure where I’m going to go next, maybe UU, maybe not. I just have to look within and without to find where God is leading me and what community is best for me and where I can be as faithful to myself as possible.
May 11, 2005
It’s been a while since I’ve written here, I know, but it’s not like there’s been nothing to write about. It’s a busy time of year with work and I’ve been spending a lot of time with projects and events that leave me too tired to write a lot of the time. Also, I don’t want to repeat a lot of the same things I’ve said over and over again..
Lately, the feelings I had about a year and a half ago are creeping back in. I look at my life and the things I’m involved in and the routines I have and I get the feeling that I may be single indefinitely. It’s a hard thought to have and, let me tell you, it doesn’t tickle. As much as I hate it, it could very well be true and I have to come to terms with that. Even if it’s only for a few more years I need to accept it and move on with my life. I need to live to the fullest regardless of the box I check on forms. I was talking to someone about a year or so ago about how I felt as though I would like to have my own house in a few years (I said something like 3 years, then, but I’m thinking now that it would be more like 5). She was taken aback by the thought of it. “How could you do that if you haven’t even met anyone yet?” was her general response. I’ve also talked to people who thought it odd that I would go to the movies alone or how depressing it was that I would travel by myself. The response I give is the same: I need to do things that make me happy and give my life some meaning and fulfillment and I think it’s even more important to do those things as a single person so that my life is more than just… bearable.
As I was writing in my personal journal the other day – also becoming more of the exception rather than the rule – I was noting how it feels as though I am starting a new chapter in my life; I am getting a fresh start. I have been struggling with some personal religious issues over the past months and have recently elected to step down from coordinating the young adult ministry group, which also removes me from the Conference Council. So, I’m relieved from some stress and demands of my time. It’s so easy for someone of my age to be tempted to fill up every possible free day with something to do. I mean, I’m young and single so I have the time and energy to commit to groups and programs and extra work. But that’s how you get burned out, isn’t it? So, I cut out some of the things that drew me closer to burn out. And, though I hate to say it, the struggles I’ve been having with my religious life have made it all the more easy to step away from some of those things. Work is another story. I really enjoy what I do. The combination of being allowed to be creative and the challenge of getting it ‘right’ have given me a sense of accomplishment that I don’t feel elsewhere.
Another thing I wrote about was how I really wish I had someone/thing to come home to at the end of the day. Because I live alone the quietness and solitude of the apartment – while appreciated and certainly needed at times – can get to me sometimes. Some of the only excitement I get from going home is to relax and watch TV. It’s more of an escape from everything than anything else. It’s more like I place connected with running away from rather than running towards. I will be moving this summer to get a change in scenery and also to get a dog. I’ve always loved dogs and I could really use the regular companionship in my life. Hopefully it will be enough to make me feel happier in my daily life rather than what I feel now. It’s not so much depression as it is uninspiration. As a little-known poet once wrote,
“Oh, to be inspired again
And live my life entire
Without regret or want or need
And others I’d inspire.”
Februrary 24, 2005
There’s a lot I need to figure out for myself right now. There are pieces of the puzzle that is my life that are in their proper places at the moment but there are some that lay scattered about waiting for me to fit them into the larger picture of myself. There are also, however, some pieces – even large sections – that have yet to come out of the box so I can begin to see where they’re going to go. But perhaps it is not yet time for those pieces to show themselves to me.
I’ve heard it many times before: “you need to know and feel comfortable with yourself before you can truly know and feel comfortable with someone else – and before they can know and feel comfortable with you.” I feel as though I’m not totally comfortable with myself, even though I think I know myself about as well as one can. Because I have waited for so long to tackle the issue of what I truly believe in more than a conceptual way, I feel somewhat uncomfortable with the life I’ve been living. Maybe that statement is correct and the reason I am still single and don’t feel like things are going as “right” as I feel they should be is that I have let so much time go by before making the changes in my religious life that I’ve needed to.
I’ve gotten too involved over the past years to the point where any sort of change has the potential to be painful. There will be so many questions that I’d rather not answer, so many comments that I’d rather not respond to, so many criticisms that I’d rather not deal with. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I’ve talked with my parents, I’ve talked with my best friend from college, I’ve talked with my pastor and after only 3 weeks of prayer and contemplation I feel like I know what I’m going to do. I have commitments that I’ve made and responsibilities I have over the course of the next 4-5 months so I can’t make the change before then but it’s hard to stay focussed or be motivated to follow through with the programs and meetings that I’m a part of when I know that I will most likely be stepping away from them in the not-to-distant future.
On to more happier thoughts, in just over two weeks I will be leaving for my vacation! I am taking 8 days off and traveling to London and Northern Ireland during the week of St. Patrick’s Day. My paternal grandmother’s family is from the Portrush area of Northern Ireland and I am going to stay there, see the sights, and celebrate St. Patty’s Day like a true Irishman. At the same time I’ll be visiting the house the family lived in, taking pictures at the cemetary my great-uncle is buried in – and maybe others – and try to learn about where I come from.
Since I have to fly through there anyway, I decided to take a couple of days on either side of my time in N. Ireland to tour around London and take advantage of this world-class city while I’m there. I can’t wait!
February 5, 2005
I’m in a rather unsettling time in my life right now. It’s not in a negative way necessarily, I’m just in a place where many things are beginning to become clear to me that force me to reevaluate what I am involved in and what I identify myself as in a religious sense.
For my entire life I have been a part of the United Methodist Church and have served at nearly every level of its structure from a person in the pew all the way up to being a 2-time delegate to its top legislative body. However, going back even as far as Confirmation – now that I think about it – I haven’t always felt comfortable here. One of the drives behind my desire to major in religion at BU came from an inner struggle within myself to figure out what I truly believe about God and God’s movement in my life.
As I studied the various religions of the world, I found myself drawn to the beliefs of those for whom the Divine wasn’t placed in a box. I came to see God as being more than what I grew up believing “He” is. In many ways, in fact, I began to see how my identity as a United Methodist wasn’t speaking to where I was as a faithful, spiritual human being; even to the point of considering a major change…
One part of it has to do specifically with the UMC. As a first-hand participant at General Conference – particularly with the most recent one – I saw the direction the denomination has taken to be one with which I don’t really agree. Though there are many areas in which I feel it has made a real difference, there are many where I feel it has been destructive and divisive. The most apparent is the area of homosexuality. Now, I’m straight but I have very strong feelings about inclusiveness. The inability of the general church to compromise, find common ground, or be willing to work together on this in the first place has been painful. There is a strong sense for me that the denomination (as evidenced in the decisions made at GC) is unable to admit that there is division within the church. Because of that, in conjunction with the hypocracy found in claiming to have “open hearts, open minds, open doors” while not truly being all that open, the denomination loses credibility with me and leaves me feeling like I can no longer be a part of it.
At a more fundamental and thus more important level is my faith itself. For most of my life I have been told, more or less, what I should believe when I consider myself to be a Christian. Liberal, conservative it didn’t matter so much when it got down to what you believed in. Though, in some ways I’ve always felt it, over the past few years I have grown more and more aware that I probably don’t fit in to the category of “Christian” – in a more traditional sense – anymore…
Throughout my life I have had the thought in the back of my mind that Jesus wasn’t God. Everything I was taught, everything those around me were saying told me that Jesus was God come to earth and that was that. However, deep down I felt differently. For me, Jesus was more of a prophet who was in tune with his sense of God’s will and he did what he could to promote the ideas of love, justice, and community to all who would listen. So, I feel myself to be less of a Trinitarian and more of a Unitarian in my theology. With my studies and my more liberal pluralist views of religion as a whole, I feel more and more that I should be a Unitarian Universalist rather than a United Methodist. And in many ways that’s a hard realization to make.
It’s always hard to make such realizations, especially when it has to do with something which has been such a large part of my life. I have made committments, I have responsibilities, I have a history within the UMC that is difficult to let go of. As I’ve moved around, as I’ve searched for acceptance, it was in the church where I have always been able to find a sense of belonging. And it’s hard to imagine turning away from that.
I’m not sure what I will do. I have committed myself to take time out of everyday for the next couple of months to consider everything surrounding this part of my life and to decide what’s best for myself. We’ll see what happens…
October 9, 2004
I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately that take place in countries that I’ve been to. I’m not totally sure why really. Part of it, I’m sure, is that I am more aware during this time of year of the places I’ve visited, because SAS was during the fall. For example, exactly two years ago today I was in Penang, Malaysia and by the end of the week it will be two years since I’ve been in India. I truly enjoyed my time abroad and can’t wait to travel once more. Yesterday, I was even invited to spend my next bit of vacation in Nigeria.
Another reason, perhaps, for why I’ve been watching movies set in places I’ve been (namely, my most recent viewing choices “The Deer Hunter” and “The Killing Fields”) have to do with the nature of violence and hate. I see movies such as these and see war and indiscriminate killing and find myself feeling tangible pain for what I see happening. And the hurt I feel is made all the more potent knowing that these films are set in the midst of, if not based on, an historical environment such as the Vietnam War or the rise of the Khmer Rouge. And having seen these locales and the evidence of such a past with my own eyes – the Saigon War Remnants Museum and the fallout of land mines in the limb-less men, women, and children of Siem Reap, Cambodia – I recognize just how real it is.
I don’t necessarily enjoy the feelings I get while watching movies like this, but, as I wrote in my journal while flying between Cambodia and Vietnam, those are the experiences/feelings I need to have so I can have a certain perspective on my own life and a clearer consciousness of the world around me.
As for the rest of my life at the moment, aside from my two-hour glimpses into the larger world, I guess I can only describe it as “ok.” Everything has been pretty average for me. Nothing terrible, thankfully, yet nothing great either. A good friend came to visit a couple of weekends ago but, while we had a great time, it only lasted a couple of days and then I was back to my “normal” life. I continue on with work and its many facets. I come home in the evenings and veg out in front of my tv or computer, watching “my shows” or playing any of the standard Windows games and listening to music. I’m not feeling particularly bad or down, yet I’m not feeling greatly happy or upbeat either. It’s just sort of a strange in-between feeling where I’m not greatly experiencing either side of the emotional spectrum.
I may have noted it before, certainly in my own journal, that there are times when I’m not really looking forward to anything, or, more accurately, there’s not much coming up to look forward to. What I mean is, while there are a lot of events in the coming weeks that I’ll be at for work purposes, there’s nothing in my personal life that I have to look forward to.
I want to be excited about something again. I want people in my life with whom to share my life. (I have family but I need more than that too. It’s a hard thing to describe, but a fairly simple thing at the same time.)
I just keep on trudging through with uncertainty and hope, with confidence and timidity, with great expectation alongside some fear too. I continue to live each day in the faith that I’ll come across the good stuff in the small things that can get overlooked or somewhere in the choices I make that direct my life in ways that I cannot even understand. That’s why I love the endless possibilities of “tomorrow.”
September 6, 2004
I never seem to know what to say when I sit down to write in my journal, be it my personal or online journal. It’s not that there’s nothing going on in my life – I’m almost always busy – it’s just that I sometimes find it hard to express exactly what I’m thinking or feeling.
One of the main reasons for not writing as much as I usually do is that I don’t want to just keep repeating myself. At this point in my life I find that my alone-ness has really been getting to me. I have friends, some even younger than I, that have gotten married this year or are going to be celebrating wedding anniversaries coming up as I remain single. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am so happy for them all because I know how hard and important it is to find lasting love in your life. The thing is though, I’m waiting for my turn to find it…
I pray a lot, asking for strength and direction in my life and hoping to be more open to where God is leading me. I pray for love and friendship. For health and good spirits. For a sense of peace in my life. All of these things are pretty basic, I think, and aren’t too awfully selfish. My prayer time is filled with an immense level of honesty and frankness with God and more often than not I feel as though I’ve been heard, which leaves me feeling refreshed and with a sense of calm. Soon, however, I am bombarded with reminders of what I don’t have: tv shows and movies and people all around me where love and friendship seem to flourish. I wish I knew what I could do so that my life would have all those things I hope for.
I always return to my faith, believing that “whatever is good and right will come,” but sometimes it’s hard because I want some certainty, some visible progress, some beginnings of the great friendship, peace, and love that I will have for the rest of my life. In time, I suppose, it will all come to be, each in its own way. I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.
From August 2002
Life has so much yet to teach me, I pray that I’m open enough to learn from it. May my days to come be filled with more joy than pain, more laughter than tears, more love than hate. May I live a life that is full of life – with no regrets!
June 8, 2004
t’s another one of those times… Work and life have been keeping me quite busy these past months and I haven’t found rest. Sure I’ve gotten enough sleep, most of the time, but I can’t seem to get enough rest.
I was thinking about this a few weeks ago and came to an interesting observation. Many people have friends and loved ones that they go home to at the end of the day and on weekends to help take their minds off of the stresses and exhaustion of work. They have people to vent with, people to distract them from the busy-ness, people to live life with. It is when one has these kinds of people that they can find true rest. As for me, even though I have a wonderful family, it’s hard to separate our working relationship out from it sometimes. So it’s difficult to find much rest with them. But it does happen from time to time, like just yesterday I was helping to build a new front porch on my parents’ house or when I have the chance to just sit and chat with my mom.
But most days, as I’ve said before, I end up heading home at the end of the day to my spot on the couch where I certainly will be able to rest from my day’s labors but where I will rarely find myself rejuvenated and renewed.
I’m not sure what the answer is, but sometimes it’s a good enough start to simply pose the question of “what do I do?”
“Whatever is good and right will come…”
An Excerpt from My Personal Journal
I sometimes wonder what it will be like when I am closer to the end than to the beginning. Or even after I am gone. What will be said of me? How will I be remembered?
I just finished watching The Emperor’s Club where the main character is a man who is full of strength, grace, hope, knowledge, virtue, humility, and passion for life. He is totally unaware of the impact he’s had on the lives of those he’s touched throughout his own life; no one ever really told him. He said something along the lines of: “the measure of a man cannot be determined by a single failure or a solitary success” – and I would go on to say – but by the many greater little things that most do not see.
I was given a gift once that had written on it, “The purpose of life is to live a life of purpose.” It is my great hope that mine is a life of such purpose. I’m not out for glory or honor and I don’t seek to impress or to be a person of great fame. But I hope for the chance to make a difference in some part of this world; not to leave a mark of my own, but simply to leave the world better than I found it.
If there is one truth I know it is this: that I am a flawed man. But more than that, the flaws don’t matter. I am not at great man, certainly not the tremendous educator of the Mr. Hundert of the movie, but I hope that I am a man that strives for the greater little things of life, whether they are noticed or not.
March 16, 2004
Not really sure what to say this time…yet I’m plagued with the desire, no, the need to write. Nothing momentous, nothing outstanding, nothing even all that good is happening in my life at the moment. Now, don’t get me wrong, work has been going continuously well and we keep doing great work for great people and I’m really enjoying myself. Outside of work General Conference, CCYM, and church obligations keep me out of too much trouble, too.
But there seems to be something missing…
I’m not sure what that “something” is, really, but I know there’s something that doesn’t seem quite right or complete in my life. It feels like I’m always busy and whenever I get the chance to slow down all I feel like doing is crashing on the couch, watching a good movie, and sleeping in – if I get the chance to slow down. Now, at this point in my life – out of college, on my own, single, working – I can afford to be always on the go and always doing something. But I do need that time of retreat, that time of disconnectedness, that time to reclaim myself in the midst of it all.
But it’s a strange dichotomy in which I live. On the one hand I need the me time to refresh and renew my spirits. But on the other, there’s that something else that’s missing and the need to be connected with others. Maybe that’s what’s missing: the feeling of being connected outside of my normal work and church relationships that, often, aren’t all that fulfilling – in a more casual/social sense of the word.
I’ve not been writing in my personal journal lately either. I don’t know why, but I haven’t. I was talking to a friend of mine awhile ago and she was noticing how, in her life, the times when writing doesn’t come easily are often the times when writing is the most necessary. That’s certainly the truth! So, during this time when writing hasn’t been coming quite as easily, I’ll try all the more to keep it up. We’ll see how it goes…
January 4, 2004
It’s late at night, very early on the 4th; my birthday…
Since I last wrote here, much has happened in my life, too much, perhaps to adequately chroncle here. So please forgive the holes that won’t be filled in. (After all, I’m not going to tell you everything!)
I suppose that other than graduating, getting my first car, and moving out and into my own place as the typical milestones of post-college life that I have reached, the most recent – and rather signifcant – period of my life is when I met someone… Just about two months ago, a lunar eclipse could be seen in the skies over CNY. As I drove home from a movie about reclaiming life and discovering oneself again, I pulled into the empty parking lot of a local park and stood out in the frigid air to watch the celestial event. As I stood stood there, I was reminded of the nights in high school when I would sit out on the roof of our back porch – which was right outside my bedroom window – and stare into the sky. Were the moon out those nights, I would focus my thoughts, attention, and prayers towards it as though the moon were the eye of God looking down on me. And so it was this particular night.
I came to a point where I realized that I had just about everything that I’ve always wanted, or, was at least on my way to achieving them: I had my own place and a job I truly enjoy; a good car to give me freedom; a great family and a church that made me feel loved and welcomed; an education and opportunities to do things that many have only dreamed about; and so much more than I have ever deserved. Yet, with all of those things, I lacked something that I desired so much, for so long: someone to share my life and love with.
The next day when I got home from church, I checked my email and found a messege from someone I didn’t know who wanted to learn more from me about my writing and my experiences around the world. She had come across this website and knew that she wanted to get to know me better. We talked on the phone, we emailed constantly, and finally met in person. And through the course of it all, we fell in love. It’s a hard thing for me to do, to let myself be open and vulnerable enough to allow my heart to fall in love, but because I had left my life in God’s hands that night of the eclipse, I just “let go, and let God.” Never before have I so quickly become so comfortable with someone and forged such a strong bond of friendship. I was convinced that she was “The One” and deep down, I just knew that it was meant to be.
Long-story-short – and out of respect for her privacy and our relationship together I’m keeping this as vague and vaccant of detail as I am – things didn’t work out as we both had hoped, though they did work out as best they could. As the song goes, “Sometimes love just ain’t enough…”
Though we aren’t together any longer, I am not angry, upset, or hurt. Though I do feel sadness and loss for what we shared together, I am so grateful for the time we had. To quote from my journal, “I am thankful for her, for the gift of her love, and the blessing of her presence…Not only have I felt love in my life once more, I have felt loved in return for perhaps the first time. [She's] shown me that I’m capable of love again, that I’m worth loving, and that who I am, as is, is someone special and amazing.”
So, once again, it’s just me…
For everyone else, New Years is a time for fresh starts and new beginnings. I never really made any resolutions or anything like that. The closest thing was New Years 2002 when I wrote an email to a girl I knew telling her just how I felt about her and, in the end, that didn’t work out so I decided not to try to make them again. As I wrote in my journal the other day, the thought came to me that since my birthday is so close to the 1st and really marks the beginning of a new year in my life, it’s kinda like my own personal New Years. I’m not making any resolutions or dedicating myself to losing weight or anything. What I am going to do is look ahead with newer eyes and see what will come for my life. I’ve always been serious about my prayer life but I’m going to try to “let go, and let God” more than I have. We’ll see what happens! “What is good and right will come, whatever that may be…”
Happy Birthday to Me! And here’s to my “new year”!!!
March 23, 2003
I’m in a strange place in my life right now. The semester, and by extension college, is almost complete for me. Only 5 weeks of classes left before it’s all over. On the one hand, I’ll be sad to go because it means saying goodbye to all those I’ve met and gotten close to over the past few years. But on the other hand, I’m excited to take on what’s next, to have my own place, to be doing something I enjoy and to be able to spend more time with my ever-growing nephew, Garrett. Certainly, the good outweighs the bad – and shouldn’t it always be that way?
In a lot of ways even the sad parts aren’t going to be as negative as I might think. For one thing, I’m definitely going to keep in touch with my closest friends and I’m still going to be close enough to visit. So that’s not too bad. Another thing, not so pleasant, is that I don’t feel as close or connected with people as I once did, which, unfortunately, will make it easier to say goodbye. Over the past year, really since I started preparing to go abroad, I’ve felt people begin to slip away from me. Friends I held dear seemed to slowly back out of my life until they were all but gone. I saw them less, spoke with them less frequently, and basically just lost any feeling of closeness that, I thought, once was there. And, now that I’ve returned, the sense I get is that they know we only have so long left so why bother trying too hard?
Perhaps I was never quite as close to my friends as I thought, or, at least, they were never as close to me… As I’ve said before, it takes a lot for me to trust people, to let down my guard, to open up; but once someone has gained my trust, it can be very hard to lose it. I think because trust is such a major thing with me, it carries with it an awful lot of other things as well. When friends have reached a certain level for me, as most of them have here, I hold a lot of stock in those friendships. I place a lot of meaning in my relationships with others, perhaps more than they do in their relationships with me…
The title of friend is not one given to just anyone in my life. Those who I would call my friends hold a special place in my heart, a place that is just for them. I do my best to show them that I love them and their presence in my life is a blessing and is something that I hold dear. But sometimes they just don’t see. I just wish that somehow, someday they might realize just how much they mean to me. And, though I don’t say it for simpathy or for guilt, I hope that I mean enough to them that they might show me their love and friendship in ways that I might better see it…
February 11, 2003
Valentine’s Day is coming up this Friday. Ah, Valentine’s Day! The most romantic day of the year. The day when roses and chocolates and cute cards covered in hearts and glitter and filled with sweet odes to love can be found on every shelf of every store. I used to really enjoy this time of year…
There was a point in my life when I was in love. And I was truly in love. Most people say that when you’re young you don’t know what love really is, but let me tell you, I knew love well. She was my high school sweetheart, I was 19, we were engaged, and it couldn’t get any better! Unfortunately – and fortunately – it didn’t… Our anniversary was Valentine’s Day and for 3 years I had someone to share the day of love with. But for us it was different. While Valentine’s Day was a time to celebrate our love as another milestone was reached, we would take each day and turn it into something romantic. It was beautiful. I would write her poems, buy her flowers just because, and just be the all-around great guy that I am. (Not to ‘toot’ my own horn or anything…) But, as it goes, things didn’t work out as we had hoped, we grew apart, and it was over.
Since then, Valentine’s Day has been a day of mixed emotions for me. On the one hand, I look back and think that this Friday would have been our 6th anniversary and I try to imagine what it would be like to be with someone for that long. I am glad that we aren’t together anymore – frankly, it just wasn’t the best situation – but I do remember the good times and I miss that closeness that is found in relationships that last for so long. On the other hand, I look on towards the future, to what’s next with a hope for someone to fill my heart with love and joy, someone to share my life with, someone who isn’t perfect but is perfect for me.
It is on Valentine’s Day that my hope is renewed. Sure, it’s a very commercialized holiday but the meaning behind it still resonates within me and I wait in anticipation for what is to come. Some may call me a hopeless romantic, someone who is always touched by a happy ending to a love story, someone who looks longingly at couples that walk hand-in-hand down the streets. While that is true for me, I’d rather consider myself to be a HOPE-FULL romantic. I dream that the happy ending is mine, that I will someday – hopefully soon – be one of those people walking down the street with someone on my arm, that I will find, or be found by, that special someone that is out there just for me.
Who knows what this Valentine’s Day will bring? Lightning could strike and I could find “her” – whoever “she” may be. The day could go by like all others. Who knows? For me, everyday is a new opportunity to love, a new opportunity to live life to it’s fullest – whatever that might mean for each of us… What will today bring? Or tomorrow? Or the day after? Who knows? But I live in hope! “All I can is all I do: I dream of tomorrow…”
